[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
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Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
reviewed some movies recently
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?