sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
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doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
A ghost story
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
A drum solo but on your face.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.