When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
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I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
thinking about a very short hotdog