I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
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(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.