Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
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Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.