Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
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[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
This is my cat’s medicine.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I think about this a lot