My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
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At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
That’s amazing.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too