I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
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All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
tinder is all about the long game
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.