[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
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Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..