Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
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ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?