5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
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pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
When I laugh on my period
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Cha-ching is my safe word
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.