Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
You Might Also Like
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
My time has come.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
I have never heard an armadillo before.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”