I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
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“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*