If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
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Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Sniffing the broccoli
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all