Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
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@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.