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“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to