Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
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I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
That was easy.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).