Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
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[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany