me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
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[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Pat is about to own someone
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.