[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
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How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
This probably isn’t good
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
We have a winner.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.