Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
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waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Dolls on drugs
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
why isn’t thunder called soundning
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
THE AUDACITY. 😤
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead