Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
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Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
I’ve had worse
The first matador
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.