[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
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The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Saturday
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”