Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
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[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I mean…but I did
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.