Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
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My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Just got to our Airbnb!
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I’m giving up ice.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
shut up and take my money
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…