This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
You Might Also Like
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Who says great literature is dead?
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*