You Might Also Like
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
I’ll be mad as hell!
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off