My safe word is Worcestershire
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I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…