Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
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Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Well, this explains it:
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Writing, She Murdered.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands