Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
You Might Also Like
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
those birds must be on payroll
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.