That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
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[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Just when I鈥檝e finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
the clam before the storm
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who鈥檚 on her phone again.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Me: I have too much to do, there鈥檚 not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
This is funnier than it should be. 馃槀
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
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i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
銇濄倢銇崏