A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
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If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
dam girl
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan