Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
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English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors