It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
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when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.