me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
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We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
seems like a niche market
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
How is it still this week?
Strange
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.