if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
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COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
My blood type is coffee.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded