Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
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As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?