Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
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My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care