If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
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she has a smile full of sesame seeds
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
For anyone who needs this today
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy