I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
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I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM