It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
You Might Also Like
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Monday?
No. Next question.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”