1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
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My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.