[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
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COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it