I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
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Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active