People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
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@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
no such thing as a dumb question
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.