Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
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ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.