Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
You Might Also Like
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I’m aging like a fine banana
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!