*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
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I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup