someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
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The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Watermelon Boss!
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.