My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
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Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
ready to be harvested
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]